True Addiction

I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol or sex or any of the more "standard" addictions. But I have been addicted. To food. I know I'm not the only one out there but it has caused such deep shame, guilt and anxiety in me for so long.

Things are a lot better now than they ever have been. I'm so much more cognizant of when the urge arises to go out and purchase a bag of potato chips with the goal in mind of eating the entire thing. "You can't eat just one" is a cliche, but it applies to me without a doubt.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have used food to soothe my emotions for as long as I can remember, maybe age six or seven. I remember that if I'd had a bad day as a kid but then realized that I hadn't had my nightly dessert yet, I'd feel.... better, more hopeful about things to come. I don't know what stressed me out as a kid, but I do know that just the thought of eventually having food gave me comfort, peace, and stability.

That hasn't really changed for me. As an adult, I still look forward to food for reasons beyond physical nourishment. The urges are less and less often but when they hit, they are almost impossible for me to ignore. I have felt so disgusted at myself for not only giving in but for not feeling like I had enough control to stop eating. I wouldn't stop if I were full, I'd stop when the bag was empty and I'd often feel sick and worse emotionally than I had prior to eating. But it was a cycle I couldn't break.

Sometimes the cycle still comes out of nowhere and hits me across the head. Adding in healthy foods and crowding out unhealthy ones has helped. Cutting out processed foods has helped diminish cravings for those foods. Really focusing on self-care has helped because it puts me in touch with my body on all planes and makes me realize how special and strong it is and therefore I want to take care of it.

The thing that I'm holding on to the most to help, though, is that I'm not actually addicted to FOOD. I don't know why this came as such a revelation recently but it did. I mean, yes, part of me is addicted or habituated to eating something fatty and salty. If you read "The end of overeating." by Dr. David Kessler you'll find a whole bunch of reasons people can't stop themselves from overeating.

But for me it's more about the addiction to the desire to shelter myself from my own emotions. That is f*&ing sad. Since a young age, for x, y, and z reasons, I have been sheltering myself from my own feelings. For Pete's sake, what else have I been sheltering myself from then?! How have I been living a life where I wanted to hide from my own emotions so badly I stuffed myself, I caused my body to be overweight forever, and I've stopped myself from pursuing activities/relationships/etc. because I was overweight.

I feel angry and like I've been missing out on my own life for a long time and I'm only now just realizing it. I'm not guaranteeing I'll never binge again. I'm just guaranteeing that I'm more awake to the reasons I do it and hopefully just that awareness will stop the cycle.