True Addiction

I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol or sex or any of the more "standard" addictions. But I have been addicted. To food. I know I'm not the only one out there but it has caused such deep shame, guilt and anxiety in me for so long.

Things are a lot better now than they ever have been. I'm so much more cognizant of when the urge arises to go out and purchase a bag of potato chips with the goal in mind of eating the entire thing. "You can't eat just one" is a cliche, but it applies to me without a doubt.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have used food to soothe my emotions for as long as I can remember, maybe age six or seven. I remember that if I'd had a bad day as a kid but then realized that I hadn't had my nightly dessert yet, I'd feel.... better, more hopeful about things to come. I don't know what stressed me out as a kid, but I do know that just the thought of eventually having food gave me comfort, peace, and stability.

That hasn't really changed for me. As an adult, I still look forward to food for reasons beyond physical nourishment. The urges are less and less often but when they hit, they are almost impossible for me to ignore. I have felt so disgusted at myself for not only giving in but for not feeling like I had enough control to stop eating. I wouldn't stop if I were full, I'd stop when the bag was empty and I'd often feel sick and worse emotionally than I had prior to eating. But it was a cycle I couldn't break.

Sometimes the cycle still comes out of nowhere and hits me across the head. Adding in healthy foods and crowding out unhealthy ones has helped. Cutting out processed foods has helped diminish cravings for those foods. Really focusing on self-care has helped because it puts me in touch with my body on all planes and makes me realize how special and strong it is and therefore I want to take care of it.

The thing that I'm holding on to the most to help, though, is that I'm not actually addicted to FOOD. I don't know why this came as such a revelation recently but it did. I mean, yes, part of me is addicted or habituated to eating something fatty and salty. If you read "The end of overeating." by Dr. David Kessler you'll find a whole bunch of reasons people can't stop themselves from overeating.

But for me it's more about the addiction to the desire to shelter myself from my own emotions. That is f*&ing sad. Since a young age, for x, y, and z reasons, I have been sheltering myself from my own feelings. For Pete's sake, what else have I been sheltering myself from then?! How have I been living a life where I wanted to hide from my own emotions so badly I stuffed myself, I caused my body to be overweight forever, and I've stopped myself from pursuing activities/relationships/etc. because I was overweight.

I feel angry and like I've been missing out on my own life for a long time and I'm only now just realizing it. I'm not guaranteeing I'll never binge again. I'm just guaranteeing that I'm more awake to the reasons I do it and hopefully just that awareness will stop the cycle.

Sleep Like You Mean It

It's the most basic form of recuperation, healing, and self-care yet almost no one I know engages in it as much as they need to. What am I talking about? SLEEP. Even I, who knows just how important sleep is for every bodily function and for mental and spiritual recharging, have not been getting the sleep I need recently.

After returning from the first class weekend at IIN, I was so energized and inspired to create a business I really believe in. But I also returned home feeling totally overwhelmed. How am I supposed to work 40+ hours per week; cook full, healthy meals; exercise at least three days out of the week; clean my apartment; run errands; be a present roommate, friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend; AND devote time to creating a thriving business; AND get nine hours of sleep a night?! Apparently I need to strap on the sexy boots and cape and morph into Super Woman. Who knew?!

So the last couple of weeks have been rough for me, I'll admit. I've been anxious and can't seem to shake it. So my sleep has been severely lacking. I know it seems obvious but when you aren't getting the hours of sleep, or the quality, your body needs, EVERYTHING falls asunder. When I'm overtired, I don't want to do anything. I'm not a great friend/roommate/girlfriend. I only want to down cups of coffee and eat potato chips and not cook for myself. I don't want to get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym (though, to be fair, even on my most-rested of mornings, 5 a.m. comes too soon). You get the point.

So what's a girl to do? I want to be there for everyone in my life and really focus on business but there are only 24 hours in a day and only so much my brain and body can take. My advice is:

PRIORITIZE SLEEP.

More than anything else, get enough hours and good quality sleep. This will mean different things for different people. I know that nine hours is ideal for me. Any more and I'm groggy and headache-y. Any less and I'm lethargic and cranky. Do what works for you. And don't discount the quality of sleep part. Even if you're lying in bed for 8, 9, 10 hours, but you're getting up to the use bathroom once or twice, or tossing or turning, etc. you'll still wake up feeling exhausted.

What has worked for me in the past has been to force myself to shut off my computer, to stop checking email, to not take or make phone calls, etc. an hour before bed. I journal, I read, I stretch, I meditate, I drink tea, I dim the lights, etc. Again, it's whatever works for you. If you're a TV junkie at night, try shutting it off a little earlier. Anything to get your brain to recognize that it's time to start shifting into relaxation/sleep mode.

I think once you start sleeping better, everything else will fall into place. You'll want to take care of yourself and then you'll have the mental clarity to work on creating your business or to be a present friend or to create delicious and creative meals for yourself. Trust me. I don't think anything else is as important as sleeping well.

You don't have to be Super Woman (or Man) to accomplish everything you want or need to in a day, you just need to prioritize your health and wellness. Say no to people if you need to. Set your self-care activities into your daily planner. Do what ever it takes to live optimally.

But I still might look into getting the sexy boots. Hey, you never know when those could come in handy...

From All Angles

After my first weekend of classes at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, I am more inspired than ever to prioritize my health and to help others do the same. I've been so passionate about food and cooking since childhood, and environmental conservation since adolescence, but I didn't notice people coming out of the woodworks to talk about it. Now that I'm at IIN and eating and living and looking differently, I feel like people are coming from all angles of my life to talk about nutrition and health. It's so exciting!

My kooky, no-holds-barred grandmother can't quite keep track of what I'm going to school for, but the other week she felt the need to share with me what foods work to keep her regular and what "blocks her up." A year ago, I would've been horribly disgusted and embarrassed. I have never been comfortable talking about that sort of thing.

Now I realize just how important it is to have a digestive system that is in good working order and to experiment to figure out which foods work and don't work for your body. I know for me, eating a creamy, steamy bowl of oatmeal in the morning does wonders. It's seriously like clockwork! I stir in a tablespoonful of coconut oil and a tablespoonful of nut butter with some fruit and cinnamon and it's pure indulgence in my mouth. I realize this is too much information for some of you, which is what I would've thought if my grandmother had shared her story with me six months to a year ago.

Now I feel like I can talk about anything. It hasn't just been with my grandmother, though. My partner has always been weight conscious and she is athletic but now she comes to me constantly for advice on sleeping better, losing weight, reducing stress, and solving some digestive issues. That certainly isn't something I thought I could help people with, but now I feel like people are seeking me out as an educated person when it comes to health and nutrition. It feels amazing.

My younger sister has Rheumatoid Arthritis and was diagnosed as a juvenile. She's had major surgeries and injects herself daily with major medication. She's always been very private, almost stubborn, about accepting support or advice so it's not a subject I broach often. However, there was a woman at IIN the first weekend who announced herself and said that she has RA and through a shift to a more holistic way of eating, she has been able to abstain from any pain medications for five years! When I brought this to my sister's attention, I was worried she would be turned off but she surprisingly was really open, now, to hearing what I had to say and wants me to give her more information. You don't know what this means to me.

Friends, family, acquaintances, roommates, strangers... I taught an employee at Costco recently about natural nut butters vs. processed, modern ones. She didn't even understand why the one nut butter was so full of fat since it was natural! I felt satisfied walking away thinking that she might make at least one informed, healthy choice in her day because of me.

It's important to make change within yourself, for yourself. But I think it's also crucial to take it to the street, so to speak. Help others the way you've helped yourself, the way you know how. Everyday that I wake up, now, and pursue this work, I feel more solid, I feel more necessary in the world. I hope I can one day help others to feel the same.